I’ve got a secret to tell: many times, when I communicate with my now adult children, I am not expressing myself the way I want to.  A joke is not received jokingly.  Additionally, I often hear, “Mom, you’re not helpful.”

While I am at work, I listen, provide advice, and I am helpful.  With my kids, my communication style would benefit from a change to more listening and less advice!

I’d like to create a greater connection with my kids and with my husband!

Please join me in making the change toward creating greater connection to form better bonds with those we love and with those we want to understand better.  

Be Fascinated

by those around you.  Ask questions: 

• “Why do you think that?”
• “What makes you feel that way?”  
• “What makes you say that?”

Asking questions is the foundation of interest. Delving deeper into concerns allows for greater understanding. When we ask questions, it allows us to fully understand the other person in a new way.

Be Flexible

Try to see the situation from their point of view.  When was a time when you felt enmeshed with another’s ideas? When we suspend for a moment our beliefs, we are fully able to understand where they are coming from. Become aware of what made their lives what they are.

However, keeping your view separate from theirs, such as, “I’ve always thought…And you think…” helps to dissolve tensions that may create arguments. State your beliefs while allowing an alternate view.  Continue to ask questions; explore differences!

Be Generous with Time

Stay in the moment to truly listen and understand what the other person has said.  Planning and preparing what we will say while listening impairs our ability to hear them. 

This is a good time to practice the art of remaining present. When we can be in the moment, our awareness becomes an expression of freedom. What thoughts can we free ourselves from?

Disconnecting from the need to plan what to say, takes connection to a new level. Planning takes away from listening both to our friends and family.

Why is it that we want to plan a clever jab rather than creating a connecting moment of embrace? Planning allows us to be clever, but does not bring us closer together.

Tip #4

Create Space

The space created by remaining in the moment, avoiding the need to generate clever ideas, develops a new level of communication. This allows for greater freedom to ask questions.

Asking:

• “what makes you think that?”
• “what do you mean by…?”

gives permission to fully explore our loved ones’ ideas.  Keep asking questions until we fully understand their view. 

Tip #5

Stay Curious

When we explore and expand upon ideas, it gives us an opportunity to express love. We do this by investigating another’s emotions and ideas. How can we delve deeper into understanding another’s thought process? Staying curious.

New ideas can lead us to challenge how we’ve always thought.  Try to not become defensive.  When we can explore another’s ideas with accepting, open curiosity we can see that we are really more alike than different. 

Tip #6

Provide support

Try not to give solutions to problems.  We want to provide solutions and give the answers. This is where my kids say, “Mom, you’re not helpful.” For example:

My eldest would like to travel, but is highly concerned about transmitting the the flu. I provided an answer: “you could get tested before going back.” Although it’s a good solution, listening, is: “The flu is worsening now. I agree,” and asking questions:

• “Is there anyone at your work who is traveling?”,
• “What does your supervisor think?”

Allowing my children to come up with their own solutions may take longer. It’s easier for us to decide for them. Coming up with solutions discourages them from growing up independently. When they arrive at their own conclusions, they own their solution. It’s theirs. Supporting is much more challenging than making decisions for them.

Tip #7

Be Proactive 

Set aside time to allow for conversing with greater human kindness.  Even when we are in a hurry, we can smile, and say ,“I wish I could understand better how you feel.  I know this feels rotten right now. I wish I could make it go away.”

Acknowledging the pain allows for greater understanding. When time allows, we can talk about it further.

Tip #8

Gratitude

Thank your partner for the time spent you’ve together:

•  “I’m glad you told me about…”
• “Our time together makes me think in new ways.  Thank you. ”

These phrases express your interest and love.

Tip #9

Let Your Guard Down

Allows others to see you as you are, not as we think we want others to see us.  Telling stories about our fears, worries as well as our accomplishments gives permission for others to relax, too.  We all have concerns.  When we share those fears, we can have greater connection.

Tip #10

Be Open and Accepting

Creating an opportunity to explore someone’s feelings increases vulnerability.  We think:

• “What will they think if I say how I really feel?” 
• “Will they accept me if they really knew me?” 

Understanding, feeling connected displays our most vulnerable emotions.  Staying present and allowing ourselves to be who we are creates bonds that time does not erase.  Communicating with those we care about encourages changes in our thinking to see how alike we really are, that we all have similar concerns and aspirations.